I was invited to talk at a seminar on 'Love Being a Mother' organised by Lovely Life Community on how juggling a career and bringing up children could be possible. It was a 30 minute talk, supposedly I was to talk for 20 mins and 10minutes for question and answer. I ended up using the whole 30 minutes and maybe a little extra. So much to say but so little time so I was not sure I got what I wanted to say across to the audience. For those who were there, I've decided to write about it and thus not leave anything that was unsaid behind.
I was married in 1982. In the eighties, there were no such thing as parenting classes, support group for working moms nor was there internet for us to google simply anything about parenting at the touch of your fingers. So I learnt from my own parents, parents -in-law, aunts, uncles, older siblings, friends and least of all reading from books and magazines.
For us to improve our lives thus to adopt which approach to parenting we must look back at our beginnings or where we come from. I grew up in an extended family where apart from my parents, there were also my aunts and uncles, cousin sisters, cousin brothers and of course my own siblings. I grew up in a happy environment where there was so much love to share, there was a lot of trust, respect among us not just the young to the elders but also among the peers. So likewise I would want that for my children too.
Education was the one most important thing when I was growing up. I grew up with so many books around me as my older siblings and cousins were already in school. I remember that I could read the Malay books as well as the English primary 1 books before I was actually in school. When I was 6, I already had a brother and cousin at the University of Malaya, my sister had already gone to the United Kingdom to attend the Teacher's traning at Kirby, Liverpool in England. So they were my mentors at a very young age. So education is a must and I must excell for only education can change lives for the better. So when I was offered a place in boarding school, I went home and told my parents that I have to go as that was the ticket for me to further my studies overseas. I too attended religious school in the State of Johor where we learnt as much about Islam and how we have to live our lives accordingly. So my children cannot have anything lesser than that I decided.
At boarding school we learnt to make friends, live together with people who are not family, help one another in our studies, sports and many others (who after 40 years now are friends forever- more like sisters now). Later, the 5 years studying in the United Kingdom has brought the good and the bad experiences for me to choose from and apply in my parenting approach. At one point living in Malaysia hall in London for 2 weeks without friends from the same College and not knowing anyone in London, I survived that too. So my children has to be braver than me I thought.
At a young age I was with people who loves me, who taught me about trust, respect, sharing, responsible over my own actions as I go through my adolescent years. So when I had my first child at age 25, there begins the journey I was to take with the goal targeted at the lives of my child or children has to be better than mine at any cost with the Grace of Allah. So I started to reevaluate all the values that I wanted my children to have and plan towards the development of all that. They should be loving & be loved, happy, cheerful, respectful, trustworthy, hardworking, responsible, creative.
Having decided that, as a parent one needs to acquire knowledge to even think about bringing up a child in this world. It is the principles and character in us that determines the values. As a working parent multi tasking is so important. Scheduling is the other. Ensuring there is enough food in the freezer and later on the table, the kids go to school uninterrupted whether I am at work in town or working outstation or out of the country. Lucky then I had a live-in house help. As a working parent, the time spent at home is so limited, thus the time spent with the children has to be quality time. Spending time with them doing jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles and reading books was what I could managed back then. I still keep their books and my son is already 28 years old, married with two kids, my daughter, 26 and married and the youngest 21. I guess I am just that type of mom. These days there are i-pads I guess. The kids just play with it themselves most times. Ha ha..
Communicate with the children, eye contact is detrimental to the art of communication. Touching on the arm while communicating can send positive vibes to them. Make them feel special when we speak to them and listening is also an art in communicating. Play and have fun with them while teaching them new skills. Praise them when they do well and praise their efforts even if they fail. Encourage them to do more than their capacity even if for sure they will fail. This will build confidence in them at an early age. Show appreciation, teach them to say thank you, say sorry at the appropriate situations. Discipline them on certain things is important but take it easy on others. This can make them become adjust to be a less stressful or perfect being. However be consistent in disciplining the children. Never belittle them, don't just criticize without helping or giving alternatives. Don’t let them get away with being rude or dishonest.
Each of the children differs from another. It's our duty to extract the talent in each one of them. Give them the chance to develop their creativity through art, music, writing or simply singing. Learn how to do that in your child. Read up on the development of the brain and how the use of the right brain and left brain affects their personality. What you do with your children may even charts their future and it's all affected by the use of which side of the brain. What would be the activities that influences this. Thus you find a family full of engineers or a family full of doctors. I introduced music to the children not to make them become musicians but for them to get that ooportunity to extract their potential by using their right brain. All three can appreciate music, each too play an instrument for fun though one aspires to make music after pursuing his degree. The writing skills went to my daughter, who as a child loves to write short stories for her friend to read, she writes poem and lyrics too for the boys to use in their songs.
Religion was never a compromise. The sons attended religiou schools similar to the one I attended when I was young, except my daughter who was kinda home schooled. Each had their Quran teacher except for the youngest who did not have a personal tutor. Islam is not just something one studies but the application of what is in the Quran and what the sunnah Rasullullah says, is it. As parents we need to walk the talk so the children can follow and emulate. Be kind to people so the children will be kind too. Show compassion and they will be compassionate too. Treat others the way we want others to treat us and the children will do the same.
This year marks my 30th year as a working parent and I am still working. I was with Public Works Department for the most part of it. My involvement with the World Road Association for two terms takes me places. The first four year term was from 1999 to 2002 and the second is from 2012 to 2015. My principles then was life goes on regardless I am around or not. Everything that evolves around the children have to be sustainable regardless I am around or not. That way should I leave them from this world, anytime, they can still live their lives normally except without my presence. To pepare them for this when they were still young was a challenge but now they are all grown up so when my time is up insyallah they will all be fine.
So knowledge is the key in parenting, for without knowledge as a parent we do not know what is essential for the child to have, to become a good person in the eyes of Allah s.w.t. which is really the ultimate in life. The foundation has to be strong so the early years have to be excellent, all with the Grace of Allah.
I was married in 1982. In the eighties, there were no such thing as parenting classes, support group for working moms nor was there internet for us to google simply anything about parenting at the touch of your fingers. So I learnt from my own parents, parents -in-law, aunts, uncles, older siblings, friends and least of all reading from books and magazines.
For us to improve our lives thus to adopt which approach to parenting we must look back at our beginnings or where we come from. I grew up in an extended family where apart from my parents, there were also my aunts and uncles, cousin sisters, cousin brothers and of course my own siblings. I grew up in a happy environment where there was so much love to share, there was a lot of trust, respect among us not just the young to the elders but also among the peers. So likewise I would want that for my children too.
Education was the one most important thing when I was growing up. I grew up with so many books around me as my older siblings and cousins were already in school. I remember that I could read the Malay books as well as the English primary 1 books before I was actually in school. When I was 6, I already had a brother and cousin at the University of Malaya, my sister had already gone to the United Kingdom to attend the Teacher's traning at Kirby, Liverpool in England. So they were my mentors at a very young age. So education is a must and I must excell for only education can change lives for the better. So when I was offered a place in boarding school, I went home and told my parents that I have to go as that was the ticket for me to further my studies overseas. I too attended religious school in the State of Johor where we learnt as much about Islam and how we have to live our lives accordingly. So my children cannot have anything lesser than that I decided.
At boarding school we learnt to make friends, live together with people who are not family, help one another in our studies, sports and many others (who after 40 years now are friends forever- more like sisters now). Later, the 5 years studying in the United Kingdom has brought the good and the bad experiences for me to choose from and apply in my parenting approach. At one point living in Malaysia hall in London for 2 weeks without friends from the same College and not knowing anyone in London, I survived that too. So my children has to be braver than me I thought.
At a young age I was with people who loves me, who taught me about trust, respect, sharing, responsible over my own actions as I go through my adolescent years. So when I had my first child at age 25, there begins the journey I was to take with the goal targeted at the lives of my child or children has to be better than mine at any cost with the Grace of Allah. So I started to reevaluate all the values that I wanted my children to have and plan towards the development of all that. They should be loving & be loved, happy, cheerful, respectful, trustworthy, hardworking, responsible, creative.
Having decided that, as a parent one needs to acquire knowledge to even think about bringing up a child in this world. It is the principles and character in us that determines the values. As a working parent multi tasking is so important. Scheduling is the other. Ensuring there is enough food in the freezer and later on the table, the kids go to school uninterrupted whether I am at work in town or working outstation or out of the country. Lucky then I had a live-in house help. As a working parent, the time spent at home is so limited, thus the time spent with the children has to be quality time. Spending time with them doing jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles and reading books was what I could managed back then. I still keep their books and my son is already 28 years old, married with two kids, my daughter, 26 and married and the youngest 21. I guess I am just that type of mom. These days there are i-pads I guess. The kids just play with it themselves most times. Ha ha..
Remember this book that comes with the little computer?
Each of the children differs from another. It's our duty to extract the talent in each one of them. Give them the chance to develop their creativity through art, music, writing or simply singing. Learn how to do that in your child. Read up on the development of the brain and how the use of the right brain and left brain affects their personality. What you do with your children may even charts their future and it's all affected by the use of which side of the brain. What would be the activities that influences this. Thus you find a family full of engineers or a family full of doctors. I introduced music to the children not to make them become musicians but for them to get that ooportunity to extract their potential by using their right brain. All three can appreciate music, each too play an instrument for fun though one aspires to make music after pursuing his degree. The writing skills went to my daughter, who as a child loves to write short stories for her friend to read, she writes poem and lyrics too for the boys to use in their songs.
Religion was never a compromise. The sons attended religiou schools similar to the one I attended when I was young, except my daughter who was kinda home schooled. Each had their Quran teacher except for the youngest who did not have a personal tutor. Islam is not just something one studies but the application of what is in the Quran and what the sunnah Rasullullah says, is it. As parents we need to walk the talk so the children can follow and emulate. Be kind to people so the children will be kind too. Show compassion and they will be compassionate too. Treat others the way we want others to treat us and the children will do the same.
This year marks my 30th year as a working parent and I am still working. I was with Public Works Department for the most part of it. My involvement with the World Road Association for two terms takes me places. The first four year term was from 1999 to 2002 and the second is from 2012 to 2015. My principles then was life goes on regardless I am around or not. Everything that evolves around the children have to be sustainable regardless I am around or not. That way should I leave them from this world, anytime, they can still live their lives normally except without my presence. To pepare them for this when they were still young was a challenge but now they are all grown up so when my time is up insyallah they will all be fine.
So knowledge is the key in parenting, for without knowledge as a parent we do not know what is essential for the child to have, to become a good person in the eyes of Allah s.w.t. which is really the ultimate in life. The foundation has to be strong so the early years have to be excellent, all with the Grace of Allah.
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