You turned 20 three days ago and that meant when you were born I was 20 years 3 days younger obviously. Then I was not the woman I am today and thus lacking in awareness though I have the knowledge, of applying Islam in bringing you up. Let me write this in dedication to you, my son for I may not be there for you to help you when it is your turn to bring up your children. You have always been the one who described me as the 'Controlling Mom' and today let me confirm that for you, that you are absolutely correct.
When you were born, I had very high hopes for you as you came after a troubled period in my life. In some ways you were God sent to ease the pain that came before. You were the Hikmah and the Nikmat that came with troubled waters.
When you were little, you were the active type. You were not very clingy to me unlike your brother and sister. You were more adventurous not wanting me to hold your hands at new places. You weren't the scady cat type. I made sure you develop your interest in reading even before you could utter a word. I read you the ladybird and Peter and Jane series so early as though you could aready understand English when you couldn't even recite the alphabet. I later taught you the Roman alphabet before I taught you the Arabic or Jawi alphabet. I taught you to read English before I taught you Malay or even the Surahs from the Quran. I sang nursery rhymes instead of zikir and nasyid to your ears. I told you stories about 'The Troll' instead of stories about our prophet s.a.w. or stories of all the Nabi and Rasul. I wanted to make sure you are ready for this World, never the hereafter. Big Mistake to start off.
I sent you to a regular National school but not to an Integrated Religious School where children were taught both Maths and Sciences and all other subjects together with religious education. However, I sent you to the religious school for three hours a day, daily, 5 days a week to complement but I never really sent you or got you an Ustaz to tutor you on Quran reading. This enhanced series of mistakes in my choices and strategic planning though I know you can still read the Quran from your classes at the religious school. I never taught you the Quran myself, and I never stressed Quran reading in the house when you were growing up. 'Big Mistake'. As for solat, as I wasn't doing it diligently myself, I never stressed it on you to start at 7 years of age or when you reached puberty. Big Mistake too and more mistakes to come.
You were the lovable kid who left self made 'I love you mama' cards on my birthdays or simply to surprise me or apologies messages if you had been naughty. I still kept them if only I can find them just like my precious jewellery. By the time you were 5, you spent more time with me as your Dad and I spent more time apart as we struggled to keep our relationship in the marriage alive. Thus over the last 15 years of your life it had been mostly you and me together as Abang (brother) and Kakak (sister) had gone to boarding school and University. Not until 2007 when Abang came home after graduation that we had more company. I never stressed for you to work very hard in your studies as there was always an element of pity due to the lonely childhood at home and also whether you could manage thus I left you at your own pace. Another mistake I made. I should have sat with you and encourage you more but I was busy with my career which included travelling overseas thus leaving you with Kak Unik at home. I never stressed for excellent results from you. Good results was adequate which shouldn't have been the case. I did not believe in sending you for tuition at a tender age which likewise I never imposed on Abang or Kakak. Your achievements were slightly above average but it didn't matter to me as long as you were happy as a child (so I thought). You had more expensive toys and games compared to Abang or Kakak because it became the remedy for my guilt feelings of being busy with my work plus to compensate the absence of Dad in your life. Consider them my mistakes if it affected you negatively.
You became a shy person in your teens, lack of confidence, easily influenced by your peers, you were very defensive, you were sensitive, more emotional compared to your brother and sister, you were not focused on your studies but as far as I can remember you always get what you wanted either from me or from Dad. More mistakes eh! I was too busy to send you to any music school until you asked for an electric guitar. That was when I told you to learn the acoustic guitar formally, thus the lessons you took at my insistence. I bought you the acoustic guitar. Sending you to your lessons weekly was something I felt good about, finally I paid attention to you, I thought. Of course you get your electric guitar finally sponsored by Dad. The most expensive gift for a promise of getting good results in your future exams. Wow! How negotiable it was then. Abang and Kakak was shocked at our decision especially when they never received anything expensive for themselves. Didn't the organ I bought for them counted??
Through your teens you lacked focused on studies but I drove you for tuition classes at night to help you through the years in school until you took your College Entrance Exam (SPM) in 2008. It wasn't the best of achievements but it was good enough to put you through College.You attended a private College and finally entered University (Alhamdulillah) and I pray that you will further as earlier planned even though you have your band to commit to. In the end I guess the guitar lessons surfaced something good in you. You started performing in College. You and your cousins started a band and though not knowing your maternal Grandad (my father), you named the band after him the 'Marjans' which I am not sure what to make out. I only asked that all of you recite Al-Fatihah in memory of him everytime before you perform.
College/University and the band changed you as I see it. You gained confidence, you made friends and lots of them actually some to my liking and some not. You and your cousins travelled adventurously in the country and also to nearby country with limited budget, exploring what it's like to be among the underpriviledged. The five of you became very close and all five moms didn't have to worry as all spent more time during weekends either at our place or at your aunts' house or cousin's house instead of loitering around clubbing somewhere. It was a blessing in many ways.
You might have noticed that I never asked or refrained you from browsing where you did using your laptop. That's because I am not so computer savvy myself thus I only give the general guide as to not misuse the internet facility provided. If it was a mistake not to 'lock' any sites then you should do that to your children in the future, presumably.
Giving you the Quran translation at age 17 was me sending out signals that you had to start finding out more about religion yourself. Establish a good relationship with Allah and be the best in the eyes of Allah. However with the loose foundation I gave you it was an unfair tall order for you. This epistle is to let you reflect on the things I did wrong so you will not repeat the same mistakes when it comes to your turn bringing up your kids. Looking back what islamic values did I give you. I'm not too sure. My hope is that I had not been so careless in my duties as a mother, for the role of a mother is to help nuture future leader in a child such that he do good, to himself and the world at large, in the eyes of Allah swt. May Allah bless and guide you my Son. Happy 20th Birthday.
When you were born, I had very high hopes for you as you came after a troubled period in my life. In some ways you were God sent to ease the pain that came before. You were the Hikmah and the Nikmat that came with troubled waters.
When you were little, you were the active type. You were not very clingy to me unlike your brother and sister. You were more adventurous not wanting me to hold your hands at new places. You weren't the scady cat type. I made sure you develop your interest in reading even before you could utter a word. I read you the ladybird and Peter and Jane series so early as though you could aready understand English when you couldn't even recite the alphabet. I later taught you the Roman alphabet before I taught you the Arabic or Jawi alphabet. I taught you to read English before I taught you Malay or even the Surahs from the Quran. I sang nursery rhymes instead of zikir and nasyid to your ears. I told you stories about 'The Troll' instead of stories about our prophet s.a.w. or stories of all the Nabi and Rasul. I wanted to make sure you are ready for this World, never the hereafter. Big Mistake to start off.
I sent you to a regular National school but not to an Integrated Religious School where children were taught both Maths and Sciences and all other subjects together with religious education. However, I sent you to the religious school for three hours a day, daily, 5 days a week to complement but I never really sent you or got you an Ustaz to tutor you on Quran reading. This enhanced series of mistakes in my choices and strategic planning though I know you can still read the Quran from your classes at the religious school. I never taught you the Quran myself, and I never stressed Quran reading in the house when you were growing up. 'Big Mistake'. As for solat, as I wasn't doing it diligently myself, I never stressed it on you to start at 7 years of age or when you reached puberty. Big Mistake too and more mistakes to come.
You were the lovable kid who left self made 'I love you mama' cards on my birthdays or simply to surprise me or apologies messages if you had been naughty. I still kept them if only I can find them just like my precious jewellery. By the time you were 5, you spent more time with me as your Dad and I spent more time apart as we struggled to keep our relationship in the marriage alive. Thus over the last 15 years of your life it had been mostly you and me together as Abang (brother) and Kakak (sister) had gone to boarding school and University. Not until 2007 when Abang came home after graduation that we had more company. I never stressed for you to work very hard in your studies as there was always an element of pity due to the lonely childhood at home and also whether you could manage thus I left you at your own pace. Another mistake I made. I should have sat with you and encourage you more but I was busy with my career which included travelling overseas thus leaving you with Kak Unik at home. I never stressed for excellent results from you. Good results was adequate which shouldn't have been the case. I did not believe in sending you for tuition at a tender age which likewise I never imposed on Abang or Kakak. Your achievements were slightly above average but it didn't matter to me as long as you were happy as a child (so I thought). You had more expensive toys and games compared to Abang or Kakak because it became the remedy for my guilt feelings of being busy with my work plus to compensate the absence of Dad in your life. Consider them my mistakes if it affected you negatively.
You became a shy person in your teens, lack of confidence, easily influenced by your peers, you were very defensive, you were sensitive, more emotional compared to your brother and sister, you were not focused on your studies but as far as I can remember you always get what you wanted either from me or from Dad. More mistakes eh! I was too busy to send you to any music school until you asked for an electric guitar. That was when I told you to learn the acoustic guitar formally, thus the lessons you took at my insistence. I bought you the acoustic guitar. Sending you to your lessons weekly was something I felt good about, finally I paid attention to you, I thought. Of course you get your electric guitar finally sponsored by Dad. The most expensive gift for a promise of getting good results in your future exams. Wow! How negotiable it was then. Abang and Kakak was shocked at our decision especially when they never received anything expensive for themselves. Didn't the organ I bought for them counted??
Through your teens you lacked focused on studies but I drove you for tuition classes at night to help you through the years in school until you took your College Entrance Exam (SPM) in 2008. It wasn't the best of achievements but it was good enough to put you through College.You attended a private College and finally entered University (Alhamdulillah) and I pray that you will further as earlier planned even though you have your band to commit to. In the end I guess the guitar lessons surfaced something good in you. You started performing in College. You and your cousins started a band and though not knowing your maternal Grandad (my father), you named the band after him the 'Marjans' which I am not sure what to make out. I only asked that all of you recite Al-Fatihah in memory of him everytime before you perform.
College/University and the band changed you as I see it. You gained confidence, you made friends and lots of them actually some to my liking and some not. You and your cousins travelled adventurously in the country and also to nearby country with limited budget, exploring what it's like to be among the underpriviledged. The five of you became very close and all five moms didn't have to worry as all spent more time during weekends either at our place or at your aunts' house or cousin's house instead of loitering around clubbing somewhere. It was a blessing in many ways.
You might have noticed that I never asked or refrained you from browsing where you did using your laptop. That's because I am not so computer savvy myself thus I only give the general guide as to not misuse the internet facility provided. If it was a mistake not to 'lock' any sites then you should do that to your children in the future, presumably.
Giving you the Quran translation at age 17 was me sending out signals that you had to start finding out more about religion yourself. Establish a good relationship with Allah and be the best in the eyes of Allah. However with the loose foundation I gave you it was an unfair tall order for you. This epistle is to let you reflect on the things I did wrong so you will not repeat the same mistakes when it comes to your turn bringing up your kids. Looking back what islamic values did I give you. I'm not too sure. My hope is that I had not been so careless in my duties as a mother, for the role of a mother is to help nuture future leader in a child such that he do good, to himself and the world at large, in the eyes of Allah swt. May Allah bless and guide you my Son. Happy 20th Birthday.
Kenapa asyik tulis mistakes?
ReplyDeleteI suggest that you retire early supaya boleh spend more time dengan your grandchildren.
This is just a suggestion so that there will be no entry about u regret not doing this and that to Amir and Almira.
As of money, hidup ni penuh dengan pilihan. Hope you make the right choice =)
AArgh!! Nak pencen another less than 6 years time. Can it wait?
ReplyDelete